It has been a long time since I wrote a blog post. I originally started this blog as a means to cope with the devastation of divorce. Then the weight of my personal misconceptions became too much and I stopped sharing.
Now, four years since the last post, I have move across the country twice, quit graduate school before they kicked me out, fell in love again, and remarried. I have waged war against the nebulous beast of depression and the prickly liar of anxiety. I have a family.
I am currently in another battle with the dark duo, depression and anxiety, as I look for gainful employment and/or a way to make my dream fiscally stable. Sometimes I think I am losing too much ground. At other times I wonder if consider parts of me as an enemy is the wrong way to handle this.
It has been hard, this west coast move. We just got insurance again but we have no income yet (it is forth coming). I ran out of the medication that controls the dark duo weeks ago. So I am spending most of my energy trying not to succumb instead of on the interview process and taking care of my family.
It is hard.
It is difficult to see past the self hate. It is difficult to not take the blame for everyone's displeasure. It is difficult to accept praise and the blame for making people happy.
I struggle daily with feelings of guilt. Feelings of uselessness. Feelings of inadequacy.
I have never liked myself. I have mostly despised my own existence. This baffles others who always see things in me I do not. It angers them. Their anger is my fault and makes me want to hide more. It makes me want to stop being a waste of oxygen.
It also makes me tired... and the lack of eating is excellent for weight loss.
It is hard but I am still here... for now.
