Mindful of Smallness

I do not like large families.

Never have.

Never will.

I have never even liked it when my family got together for holidays or reunions. Some have uttered or hyperbolized that it is because I never had a good experience with a large family. First this is greatly disrespectful to my family member. Second this marginalizes some of my key personal traits.

I am an introvert. I have also mentioned I suffer from the Dark Duo of depression and anxiety. The anxiety is not being a little nervous about things. It is generalized anxiety disorder. I worry about everything. The worry can get so overwhelming that I get frozen in place. It is not a small thing.

As an introvert I tend to like quiet places away from large groups of people. This does not mean I cannot or will not be social. It means that after a while, a short period of time, that being in a large group or crowd becomes taxing. It causes irritability, physical pain (for me these are headaches), and a general sense ill-being. Just the noise and motion of the people becomes unbearable.

Large groups are for short periods.

Couple the introvertedness with the anxiety. In this case our jittery friend social anxiety. I always worry about how to act in public or with groups. I don't know what to say. The anxiety makes it so I want to slink away even though I, nor anyone else, have made any faux pas. My chest gets tight. My guts hurt. My brain gets cloudy. I have trouble breathing.

As the anxiety feeds off of the introverted tendencies, it also opens the door wide and invites its friend depression to the party. Depression's contribution is a plummeting self-worth and feelings of uselessness.

It all cascades into a painful shame spiral. I am then expected to make nice and communicate when all I want to do is escape or die. Yes die. I have self harm issues also.

It has been like this for 25 or so years. Maybe longer. I have learned to avoid family get-togethers, bars, clubs, parties, and large outdoor events. Even when I am being properly treated and guarded against the Dark Duo, I avoid groups with high numerical constituency. I am fine with this.

I have a group of close friends and family, a small group, whom I can stand to be around all the time. This is good to me. However, I do not like large families. I do not have anything against them. I am not out to tear asunder familial groups with numbers greater than my comfort zone. I have seen how some people like large families. How having a large family has helped them. This is not me however.

I do not like large families.

I do like my network of relatives and friends, my family, very much.